Life is made of fleeting moments – as far as I can tell anyway. Up until last year I would say that I’ve never made any real commitments in my life (well, ones that I couldn’t somehow flee and undo quickly).
Buying a home, settling into an area, and facing my avoidant attachment tendencies have been a dishevelling treat. The process has been marred with confusion, frenetic energy, and the deep seated fear to want to hit ‘eject’ at any given time.
But the thing I learned about shedding those temporary layers of your life, is that it’s nice to stand for something and to have some aspect of stability. Stability doesn’t have to come from owning a home or having a partner, but really something within yourself that screams “home sweet home” no matter where you go.
It took me two years to hang a picture on my wall in my first Downtown Toronto apartment. I thought it was my subtle underlying way of saying “fuck you, system!” Really, it was me robbing myself of feeling connected to the present. And truly, it was unnecessary. I would spend months on end throwing out things, receiving blogger gifts and swag only to see it disappear into the donation bin or given to others quickly. Material things flowed out like water, but the disconnectedness flowed in consistently.
So what are my seemingly aimless paragraphs trying to accomplish here? I’m trying to say that while you can be completely liberated by detachment and freedom of ‘stuff’, you can end up feeling lost and floating in the middle of nowhere and nothing when you don’t try to hold onto something that reminds you to be whole. And maybe that’s worth a start.